


(high) all the time

by fiveandhisaxe



Series: Everybody Lives & Nobody Dies [2]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (Comics), The Umbrella Academy (TV), The Umbrella Academy (TV) RPF
Genre: Chocolate Milk as an Illegal Substance, Conspiracy Theories, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dick measuring contest, Drug reference, F/M, Is Water Wet?, Pseudo-Incest, Team Bonding, Team as Family, When Dad is Away the Children Get Baked, bentacles, weed reference
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:35:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26009629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveandhisaxe/pseuds/fiveandhisaxe
Summary: “Dad” is out of town. Klaus has plans. Big plans.
Relationships: Allison Hargreeves/Luther Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves & Luther Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves/Diego Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves & Luther Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves
Series: Everybody Lives & Nobody Dies [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1887784
Comments: 14
Kudos: 132





	(high) all the time

It had been intricately planned.  


Reginald Hargreeves, strange man and “father” that he was, would be out of town for three days. Whilst gone, Grace (Mom) and Pogo would be in charge of basic training for six of the seven Umbrella Academy students: running, core, speed, endurance, specialized, etcetera. The seventh child ( _ there's nothing special about you _ ) was meant to be reviewing her linguistics lessons and practicing her violin. Simple. 

The seven children of the Umbrella Academy were, without a doubt, one hundred percent going to get baked while their dictator of a father was gone. And they were very excited about it. 

"Mom," Klaus said from the doorway of the kitchen, bouncing on his heels, "can I help you make the brownies for our, uh,  _ soiree _ ? Please?" 

The children had asked to have a sleepover in the greenhouse. She remembered - it was noted in her schedule. But, Grace was confused. Such things as the children helping her bake were not within her protocol. She searched her database and nodded. "Of course, darling. Please make sure to put on an apron and a hat. We need to protect those curls." 

Step one: complete. 

Five, a self-proclaimed expert at spatial jumping (none of the others knew anything of spatial jumping, outside the physics of the thing - they would never argue with him), was going back and forth in between the separate bedrooms and the greenhouse, where Vanya and Allison were setting up their "bed" for the night. The girls had hung up gently twinkling fairy lights and, overall, it seemed a cozy sight. 

With the last pile of pillows dropped, Five stepped forward three paces to pull Vanya into a kiss, her chin tilting up almost immediately so their lips could meet, and then he was disappearing into a field of electric blue again, and she just rolled her eyes, smiling. 

"You two are gross," Allison said, wiggling her eyebrows. 

"Oh, and you and Luther aren't?" Vanya replied, blinking twice. 

"Hush, you." 

Step two: complete. 

A trio stood hip to hip in the soda aisle of the local grocery store, looking between their choices. The selection was vast. Ben, in the middle, felt slightly overwhelmed. He was grateful for Luther's fingers wrapped around his wrist, Diego's fingers holding gently onto his belt loop. 

"Did you ever know there were so many kinds?" Luther asked, glancing between 7UP and Sierra Mist. "What's the difference?" 

Diego hummed and finally nodded. "7UP sounds cooler. There are seven of us, so." He grabbed a two liter and stuck it in their basket, where they already had Coca-Cola, two jugs of chocolate milk, and three boxes of funfetti hot cocoa mix. "Maybe some juice too?" 

"Apple juice?" Ben asked hopefully. 

"Sure, Bentacles. Whatever you want." 

Step three: complete. 

Pogo knew he had to let the children have a little fun while Reginald was out of town. They had been working so hard lately: doing well on their missions and lessons, being obedient and polite, but every child had a breaking point. And these children? Well, he loved them as if they were his own. So when Luther and Diego approached him (which surprised him in general, as Number One and Number Two did not, generally, get along) and asked if they could have a "sibling bonding lesson" in the greenhouse for the night, he  _ knew  _ he had to give his permission. He knew he had to let them have the night. 

And if he made sure to order pizza from their favorite shop around the corner and buy a dozen donuts from Griddy's? Well, that was no one's business but his own. 

Final step: complete. It was  _ go time _ . 

“You made sandwiches?” 

Vanya, who had selected her spot on the large bed of pillows and blankets after Five had tucked himself into a rather safe corner, nodded. “Of course I did. I know you too well.” 

Five was feeling almost uncomfortably gooey with feeling for her, but it didn’t show on his face. No, like Reginald always said, he had to “keep an air of propriety.” Instead he leaned over to brush a kiss against her cheek. “Thanks Vee.” 

The others arranged themselves in a way that surprised absolutely no one. Ben, who preferred to be “protected” whenever possible, tucked his favorite pillow and blanket beneath the lowest level of a shelving unit. Klaus, desperately needing to be close to Ben whenever he was able, set his own things beside Ben’s. Diego rolled his eyes at such  _ romantic  _ exchanges but made sure his baby blanket (checkered and worn with age, freshly washed) was placed on Ben’s opposite side, tucked beneath the pillows. They would probably end up sharing the larger blanket from Ben's bed. Luther and Allison would be, of course, an  _ appropriate  _ six inches apart on the laid out purple sleeping bags. Five rolled his eyes - he always rolled his eyes. 

Klaus was in charge of the weed. He was the only one of them who had smoked before - and that was mostly because he had some major untreated trauma related to Reginald and a certain mausoleum - and the others trusted him to take care of them. Of course, he was  _ Klaus _ . He loved them all deeply. He wouldn’t lead them astray. 

The brownies were, above all else, for Ben. 

“He has asthma, dumbass, he can’t  _ smoke a joint _ ,” Klaus said to Diego. At this Diego scowled, mainly because he also wanted brownies. (Who wouldn't want a brownie?) "This way he can still participate, Gogo. C'mon." 

Diego growled out a " _ fine _ " and immediately shoved himself between Klaus and Ben in an act of obvious defiance. Ben didn't mind: he tugged Diego to his chest and nuzzled against him for a moment, eyes fluttering shut. 

"Okay Four," Luther started, always the leader, "how exactly do we do this?" 

Klaus, joint in hand, turning it in hand with the lighter in the opposite to flame it evenly, raised one eyebrow. "Well, it's not rocket science, Luther. You take a hit and you pass it along." 

"Oh god, hand it over," Five said, hand outstretched, "Luther can go  _ last _ , yes?" 

"I think we can all agree on that," Klaus said, passing it over. "It really is a watch-and-learn or learn-by-do experience, Numero Uno." 

Five took to smoking like it was a tall glass to water. He was obnoxiously good at everything. He suppressed a cough and held it out to Vanya. "Your turn." 

She was more hesitant. She was sat close enough to Five that their pajama-clad thighs were together, and she looked around at them, getting a comforting nod from Klaus. She finally took the joint into her hand and lifted it carefully to her mouth, attempting to copy what she had watched Five do.

It didn't go well. Her pale cheeks began to go a greenish tint immediately, and she coughed harshly, passing it to Diego, who held it carefully. 

"Hey, it's okay," Klaus said, moving immediately to grab one of the water bottles, passing it to Five, who uncapped it and held it to Vanya's lips, holding it steady until she waved him away, still trying to catch her breath. "Really, Vanny, it's alright. Some people can't smoke. Hey, don't be  _ upset _ ." Vanya hated, above all else, feeling separate from her siblings. 

It was Ben to the rescue. He grabbed her hand and moved the pan of brownies so it was more towards the middle of their sibling circle. "You can just share the brownies with me instead!" he said, voice soft, closer to a whisper. "Which is good because Kay made an entire  _ pan  _ and I'm only one guy, Vanny. Will you help me?" Vanya nodded immediately, scooting closer to Five before squeezing Ben's hand in her own, releasing to grab a brownie and smiling at him. Problem? Solved. 

The joint was passed between the remaining siblings until the end, and the first reactions of each was something that Klaus would, truly, treasure forever. He nearly died laughing at the way Luther coughed so hard he nearly blew chunks, and the way Diego chugged at his red cup of 7UP after his own hit. Allison was definitely the most dignified of the bunch, coughing behind her hand before she passed it back over to Klaus. (And if Five disappeared for a bit because he "forgot something" and instead spent three minutes coughing in the bathroom, it was totally fine.) 

Klaus knew when it was starting to kick in. 

"How many of those have you eaten?" He asked Vanya. 

Vanya shrugged, taking the first bite of another brownie and smiling. She finished chewing before swallowing. "I don't know, but they're really good, Klaus." 

Ben was feeling hazy, curled up underneath his cozy blanket so only his face was showing as he sat between Klaus and Diego. He was a blanket burrito. "She's on her fifth one," he giggled out, "and I've had four! Those aren't even our numbers!" He snorted then, falling into Diego's lap. 

"Oh shit," Klaus muttered, watching carefully as Vanya absolutely devoured the rest of her (current) brownie. "This is going to be some kind of night." 

He wasn't wrong. 

Luther's eyes went wide, almost all of a sudden, and he slapped his hands against his cheeks. "Why am I so warm?" he asked no one in particular. "Alli, do I have a fever? Can you check and see if I have a fever?" 

Allison could not check, as she was laid out across their bed of blankets, laughing at absolutely nothing, hands pressed over her mouth. Klaus watched her for a few moments before turning to watch Diego, who had crawled up under Ben's large blanket as well to burrito beside him. 

"I have so many questions. The universe is open to me!" He said to Ben, who was obviously out of it. "Like… who really killed JFK? Ben, don't  _ laugh _ , this is a serious matter! It is a government conspiracy!" 

Ben, completely stoned, held Diego's face in his hands and nuzzled their noses together. "You know what you need? Chocolate milk! I'll pour a cup - we can  _ share _ !" 

When he finally turned his gaze back to Vanya and Five, his eyes went wide, because his sister had completely baby koala grabbed Five and was clinging to him, his arms wrapped around her as he cradled her to his chest. What  _ even _ . 

"Why are you holding her like she's a baby?" Luther asked, confused. 

Five glared at him openly for several long moments. " _ Why are you holding her like she's a baby? _ " he mocked. "Because she's  _ my _ baby, Luther! And I love her!" Vanya, head resting against his shoulder, nodded in agreement. "And they say there's no such thing as stupid questions." 

"What is going on?" Klaus said to himself. Did he have regrets?... not yet. 

"All I'm saying is that if I were there? On the grassy knoll?" Diego let out a whistle, passing the cup back to Ben. "I would've killed those secret service agents. Or whoever the fuck they hired." 

"What is  _ going on _ ?" Klaus said again, a little louder. "Oh god, I hope we don't set the building on fire…  _ unless _ …" He observed as his six siblings fell into a comfortable high (as comfortable as they could be, anyway, with that tinfoil hat on Diego's head sure shining), and then, of course, they fell into an all-too familiar argument. 

Diego groaned. "You brought the whiteboard?" 

Luther looked almost hurt. "It wouldn't be a bonding experience without the whiteboard. Besides, this is the perfect time for us to revisit our favorite topic! Fellow academy members, if you're  _ fully submerged in water _ , are you  _ wet _ , hm?" He uncapped his favorite blue dry-erase marker as chaos ensued. 

"You are  _ not wet _ if that is your natural state of being!" Five seethed. "Fish are not constantly wet, they just ARE!" 

"Just are  _ what _ exactly, hm?" Allison yelled. "Wet! They're fucking wet, Five!" 

Luther was in his element, scribbling down both sides of the argument onto the whiteboard, bouncing up and down in excitement, paranoia long gone. Klaus was, personally, on Five's side (mostly because it was safer). Vanya stayed stationed completely comfortably on Five's lap, his hands rubbing up and down her back. Every so often they would branch out into their own conversation, speaking just loud enough that each other could hear. 

Five took a break from insulting Allison and her intelligence to eat three of the sandwiches Vanya had made for him (they were perfect), and eventually the whiteboard was (thank god) tucked away as they settled in together to finish off their pizza. 

Klaus was the one who suggested the measuring tape. 

"Are they seriously doing this right now?" Allison grumbled. She had stationed herself beside Vanya-and-Five, watching as the other boys huddled in the corner. 

"Unfortunately yes," Vanya replied, forehead tucked against Five's neck. 

"Five, we need your measurement for science!" Diego called out. 

Five looked appalled. "I would rather crawl through a bed of fire ants and human feces than measure my dick for you  _ or  _ your so-called science." 

When they finally cuddled up together on the bed of blankets, it was near three in the morning and they were all exhausted, ready to sleep off the remnants of their high. Ben, sandwiched in the middle of the pile, turned towards Diego and let out a hum. 

"Gogo?" 

Diego opened one eye. "Yeah Bentacles?" 

"... Do you think pigeons have feelings?" 

Klaus snorted on Ben's other side, but Diego sighed. "Go to sleep, Ben." Diego carefully pulled out his much-worn and much-loved baby blanket and placed it beneath his cheek, nuzzling his face against it, tangling his fingers in the fabric. "Ugh. Love you fucking assholes." 

"Love you too, Gogo," Vanya said, the only one still awake enough to reply, and even she was almost asleep. "Thanks for the fun night, Klaus." 

Fun night indeed. He was grateful. He loved them too. 


End file.
